mirrored shades - the eye reflects vol 5

things ive learned (and thats no small feat)

mountain dew + cool ranch doritos = weird half-wilted celery taste.
edit: apparently i learned this second hand from tre and bones

atari teenage riot = fingernails on a chalk board atari teenage riot < fingernails on a chalk board.

cheap lemon hard candy + slightly sweetened burned bitter coffee = pine sol flavor.

a flash drive/thumb drive/etc. =/= hard drive. lost data is a crying shame. sometimes literally. especially when you saved future blog posts on it.

im apparently a middle aged woman. i am currently wearing a brace on my wrist/hand, as earlier today i was diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome. lame. im pretty sure this takes away any remaining possibility of potential l33t h4xxx0r status.

it starts by taking one vitamin a day. next thing you know youre taking fist-fulls of over-the-counter pills of various sorts three times a day, even though you have no idea if any of them are doing what theyre supposed to do.

much like the words of so many politicians, large, uncoated pills are particularly hard to swallow.

if the shrimp look kinda funny, and smell pretty funny, it isnt the cocktail sauce that tastes funny. stop eating the shrimp.

the eye observes vol 5

the day shelob's descendant moved in

this pic is actually from early this summer... ive just been lazy about posting it.

this scary beast lived on our front door/door frame for a few days, and then was gone. people wondered why i didnt kill it (actually, im pretty sure "her", based on her size and considering species - "bold jumping spider") right away, but i knew well that a spider as such would keep the nearby area free of bugs. and orcses (even though orcses doesnt taste very nice at all... precious).


(clicky for the stuff of your future nightmares)

shes looking at you.

then a few days later i found her dead, inside my house, on the carpet. i think one of the cats got to her.

now the orcses are taking over. oh well.

mirrored shades - the eye reflects, vol 4

the little peepers

you know theres something weird going on when your 5 week old child gives you that look. you know the one im talking about. the "are you on drugs or something?" look.

its just one of those new dad things to do... trying anything you can think of to make your baby laugh. big toothless baby grins are damn funny! so you find yourself making noises and faces that dont make any sense at all, just hoping to get a smile. and instead you get the look. then of course comes that whole baby-attempting-to-talk thing. you know, the flailing around, kicking, punching, waving an arm, kicking again, all the while, mouth open, staring intently, breathing heavily and quickly and then suddenly not exhaling... working incredibly hard and long just to get out "aaah" once.

and of course, shes saying, "theres something wrong with you, dad. take your medicine."

i sat for 6 weeks trying to come up with some good funny baby story to post, and couldnt come up with anything. after a mildly traumatic birth, and some other stressing new baby stuff that followed, i just couldnt think of anything. i figure, its not the big stories that are funny, its the little stuff.

i mean, whats not funny about being pooped on? i mean funny for you to know that ive been pooped on, not you getting pooped on. thats only funny for me. thats just a cryin shame.

ive been pooped on, peed on, puked on, all that good stuff. lifting up her little naked (lack of a) butt to wipe and replace the diaper, and hearing the fart and seeing a little poop-projectile. thats funny stuff! or seconds after removing a diaper, seeing a little fountain start up, and thinking "oh thank god youre not a boy." having her fuss and get angry, and nothing works to console, until the bowel-blast rings out with a furious rumble that can put anything i could produce right to shame, followed by a couple of aftershocks. and knowing that there was something that came out with them. realizing that the first thing she likes to do with a fresh diaper is soil it as soon as possible.

watching my wife squeezing the air out of the little disposable bottle-bag through the bottles nipple while sitting in the stands at a high school football game, not paying attention, and firing a thin geyser of boob-juice up in the sky, only to narrowly miss raining down on a boy of about 11 in front of us. thats comedy.

seeing my baby make the same faces her mommy makes. most often in the more contented stares. knowing this, and assuming that the daddy faces she makes must be when she cries or is pooping. i mean, the happy ones are already narrowed out, what else does it leave?

as an artist i really enjoy watching her looking hard at some normal, every day object like a ceiling fan, and realizing that shes really seeing it for the first time. its strange to consider a ceiling fan with new eyes.

on the other hand, its just as likely that shes thinking "if i look away long enough, and pretend to focus my attention elsewhere, maybe he will shut up and stop making that stupid face at me." thats what i would think anyway. daddys little girl must too.

searching for their inner eye, vol 3

ok, so i havent updated in a while. ive been busy. i have a baby now. gimme a break.

i know people are probably expecting something baby related, and i do plan to do that at some point... but see, i try to be funny on here, so im going to wait till i have a good funny baby story to give you. right now, the little peepers (get it? little eye? right? eh... right) mostly just eats, sleeps, and poops. and theres nothing funny about that.

in fact, that is the ultimate life. if all i had to do was eat, sleep, and poop, and just cry to have any of it taken care of, id live it right up.

so yea, when theres a good story, i promise to give it. in the mean time, since my mom mentioned it in her post, i figured it was high time to pull out the long awaited volume 3 of "searching for their inner eye". well, maybe not so long awaited. here it is anyway.

goldschlager bong instructions
-i cant imagine them being much more difficult than water bong instructions... replace water with goldschlager. done.

2 foot penis extention
-umm... huh??? NO!!! BAD INTERNET SEARCHER!!! no penis extentions here. no.

"camp gray"
-yea, i dont know either. i dont really even have anything funny to say here. hope whoever it is found and fully enjoyed camp gray. or something. i dont know.

moon shaped rash under eyes
-*sigh*. are people really that afraid of going to a doctor that they look this stuff up on the internet? seriously, doctors dont bite! not ususally anyway. heres an idea if youre worried about bitey doctors. call your doctor, and say "my, what big teeth you have." if the response you get is "the better to eat you with" then hang up and do an internet search instead. if the response is more like "i beg your pardon?" then just make a stinking appointment. get some stinking eye drops. or maybe some make up. or an eye patch. or grab a sandwich board and a bell, some old scraggly clothes and dont bathe for a while, and claim the end times are a comin, proven by the moon sign on your face. just do somethin.

car loan
-the searcher was from russia... searching in english for "car loan"... think about it. ill bet it didnt work out so well.

blood shot eye remedy
-click for remedy

needle guage size to give im shot
-wait, to give what kind of shot? im? can they give aim or yahoo messanger shots now? sounds like a pain in the ass. literally.

coldbones
-if they werent looking for mr. cold bones then i dont know what the hell they were looking for. better left unsaid.

cigars dipped in whiskey
-havent done that in a while. of course, mostly because i would prefer to drink the whiskey.

what do you call a man with no arms or legs floating in the water?
-bob. or, perhaps, "oh, man, i hope that dude knows how to float on his back... somebody find a lifeguard".

gushers vol 2
-wait, what? man, i dont know. i like gushers. especially orange ones. but i dont know if they qualify as volume two or not. geez i dont have all the answers. just most.

pro skub and anti skub
-got a lot of these. everybody loves skub. or hates it. but not nearly enough of you told me which way you swing on the issue!!!!

the eye reflects
-bing bong! found!!!

mirrored shades - the eye reflects, vol 3

its a jungle out there

both true stories, i swear it (though i may have expanded on the details a bit)...

***
tale #1 - dont bug me

it was a nice, warm summer day. i stopped at the gas station to fill up my tank and wash down my windows. it was the late nineties, so gas prices were at a fantastic price... probably about a dollar a gallon...

*drifts off into nostalgia over gas prices...*

there was a warm breeze, and a few clouds in the sky, but nary a chance of rain. i dunked the squeegee into the solution, and began a-scrubbin at my rear window as the fuel pump racked up the dollars (though not many dollars, considering gas prices now)...

*drifts off again...*

a large vehicle pulled up to the pump behind me, on the opposite side of the pump from me. why, its none other than the orkin man! well, i suppose exterminators need fuel for their extermination trucks, right? well, why not?

i continued my squeegeeing, idly content with the beautiful weather, without a care in the world. in the distance, a hawk screeched, and i became aware of the fact that there were no animals nearby: no birds sung, no squirrels chittered in the trees... why, even the insects had silenced. the fauna of the gas station could sense the foreboding... knew of the tension that no doubt would soon spark riots across the globe, the potential for paradox, for a rip in the space-time continuum... but i remained ignorant, as i lack the sixth sense that only animals and haley joel osment have.

i was returning to the squeegee fluid container for a fresh dunk when the wind died to absolute stillness and the clouds froze in the sky... only then did i notice the tension in the air, but alas, it was too late. i heard the squeal of creaky brakes, glanced back to see it... another large vehicle pulling up to the pump behind me, opposite the orkin man.

it was the terminix guy.

the truck pulled to a stop, its driver slowly climbed out of the truck and stepped to the pump. the two rival exterminators were careful not to look at each other. the orkin man stood silently next to his truck with his hands in his pockets, staring straight ahead (in my general direction), looking at nothing at all. the terminix guy set the pump and let the fuel flow, then turned, careful to turn away from the orkin man, but in a place where he could see him out the corner of his eye. he put his hands in his pockets and stared in the same direction, staring at nothing.

silently.

both of them.

i tried to continue cleaning my windows, vainly trying to will my pump to go quicker, so i could leave before armegeddon began.

and they stood. silently. with hands in pockets, staring at nothing.

without any warning at all, the terminix guy turned his eyes towards the orkin man, without turning his head, and spoke...

"you use (some insecticide)?"

without pause, but also without moving (not even his eyes), the orkin man responded.

"yep."

the terminix guy nodded. they continued standing silently, not moving. each refusing to look at the other.

with a sudden clungg that nearly made me jump out of my skin, my pump finished. as quickly as i could go, i put the pump away, and ran inside to pay. the transaction was quick, and i returned to my car as fast as my feet could carry me, but without drawing attention to myself.

still, they stood silently, like statues. with hands in their pockets and discordant uniforms.

when i pulled away, they still had not moved.

***
tale #2 - hot persuit, cold blood

cruisin down the highway, middle of the afternoon, a gray, overcast day. it was cool outside, and my windows were rolled up. i drove along contentedly in the center of the three lanes that traveled in my direction, driving at a fairly quick 75 mph, radio blaring through my speakers.

i hardly had time to notice in my rear view as a vehicle violently tore out from my lane, a couple cars back, into the left lane, followed extremely closely by another vehicle. they both sped by me at an incredible rate - they were easily doing 90, maybe 95-100 mph. fast!

they sped by me in a blur, the first pulling back across the center lane over to the right lane so violently that it nearly edged up onto two tires, and yet was followed by the second at no further a distance than perhaps 2 to 2 1/2 feet.

they passed another car in the center lane only to rip back into the left, as forcefully as they had done the opposite.

all i could think was that they must have been pissed! high speed chases dont happen accidentally, that is for sure. i was sure that whenever they stopped, there would at least be a fist fight, if not a knife fight or better worse.

the thought entered my head - somebody must have been impeding on somebody elses territory.

i never would have expected their types to be so violent, but then, i suppose business is business.

i lightheartedly mused as to whether or not either had his song playing.

what? why are you confused?

oh, did i fail to mention they were ice cream trucks?

pop goes the weasel.

pop.
goes.
the.
weasel.

what does the eye command? vol 2

let the battle lines be drawn

image borrowed from perry bible fellowship by comic strip genius nicholas gurewitch

well?

lets have it!

are you pro skub, or anti skub?

this is what the eye commands - PICK A SIDE! leave a comment telling me which side youre on. and if you dont have a blogger account to leave a legitimate comment, then email me what side you picked at email(dot)the(dot)eye(at)gmail(dot)com.

were gonna see where you all really stand.

now lets have it!

and then we will fight! its the rumble you all have been waiting for.


oh, and if youre really feelin smarmy, and rich, and strongly about the issue, buy a shirt specifying your skubness from the good mr. gurewitch at his site (click "things", then "skub shirts").




disclaimer: the EYE has no affiliation with perry bible fellowship or its creator, or anything else having to do with it. i just feel strongly about the issue. it needs to be brought to your attention, and fought about. with whatever weapons available. violently. nuff said.

eye's hindsight vol 12

its a wonder i dont have a criminal stupidity record, part 4
police blotter

most dates are approximate, and pretty much pulled from my rear, there just for effect

11/15/97 - 10:03PM - call received reporting three teenage white males allegedly lighting telephone poles on fire. officer spotted three smarmy looking adolescents wandering down a residential street and approached. the stinkin hippies had been lighting incense, not telephone poles. caller identified as certifiable moron and banned from calling emergency services for life.

damn dirty hippies. the fool caller should have been banned from 911, anyway.

4/9/99 - 11:43PM - call received reporting an underaged drinking party in progress at red roof inn motel. report came from motel manager, who was in turn informed by the parents of a 15 year old party goer. when officer arrived, said parents were already yelling,chiding, and generally threatening other party goers. parents took their daughter and left. officer reported that the rest of the party goers appeared to be btn 17 and 19 years of age. after threats of bringing in k9 unit to search for drugs, officer had youths pour all alcohol down the drain and leave. amount of present alcohol - approximately 4 to 5 gallons. approximate value of present alcohol - $1.73.

man i didnt even know who the girl was nor did i know why anybody brought somebody that young. i wasnt even going to drink! i had just showed up with two friends about ten minutes before the parents showed up. the girl was already plastered, but nobody else had drank a drop yet when the cop showed. its a good thing the cop wasnt serious about the k9 unit though... ahem...

12/31/99 - 10:47pm - call received reporting a party in a hotel room. rules of the hotel state that no more than 4 individuals may be in a room at one time. after receiving reports of noise coming from two adjacent rooms, hotel management asked residents to keep their voices down. it was noticed by employee that nearly all residents appeared to be under the age of 21, and large amounts of alcohol were present. when police arrived, it appeared that the residents had segregated themselves between the two rooms: one room contained 3 individuals of legal age, with enough booze to keep the police deparment intoxicated for at least an evening; the second room had approximately 15 under-21 individuals, and no beverages of any sort. all in the second room sat quietly on the two beds. all residents were kicked out of the hotel without refund.

that almost ruined new years eve. thankfully one of the party-goers had an empty house (parents house anyway) where we all went instead. worry not, all booze made it to the second party. good times.

3/29/01 - 2:21AM - weather: heavy fog. SIU campus police walking their beat came across four individuals: two white male, two white female. upon approaching, officers noted that both females were urinating next to a tree in the middle of a parkway in the center of a cul-de-sac next to a campus building. all four individuals were heavily intoxicated, a fact visible in their inability to stand without wobbling. none of the offenders were put in custody because another call that was way more important came in and officers simply walked away.

yea, that was weird. we were all way too drunk to even realize that we were in the middle of a street, and about 25 feet from one of the campus buildings. no idea what the other call was about. must have been important. anyway, yea. nuff said.

3/30/01 - 10:57AM - police notified that during a memorial service for gas station employee killed in a robbery attempt/kidnapping/high speed car accident, a passing car disposed of a bag of what appeared to be, and smelled of, vomit, by throwing it in the direction of the mourners. the car quickly pulled over, and the bag was retreived; the retreiver apologized profusely and claimed it was an accident. police not sent.

ok, nothing to do with a police call here, really. i just thought it needed to be mentioned. notice, this was the morning after the pee incident. no, the vomit was not mine, nor did i retreive it. funny though.