eye's hindsight, vol 11
* when i learned to ride a two wheel bicycle without training wheels, my family was living in a house on a dead end street. there were no sidewalks, so i learned to ride on the street itself. very few cars came down the street, so it was no real worry. my dad walked behind me holding the bike seat while i pedalled. at some point he let go, and it took a few seconds to realize it (like it always does trying to teach a child to ride without training wheels). when i realized, i looked back behind me in horror, fear, concern, triumph, and awe. and then turned my head back forward just a split second before i ran directly into the back of a trans am that was parked on the side of the street. the wheel jammed itself, upright, between the street and the bumper. and i sat there on my bike that wasnt moving, but remained upright. and laughed myself hysterical.
* i started at a new school in second grade after my family moved into a new house. my dad and brother (who at the time was going to start kindergarten, and if i recall correctly, went in the afternoons) accompanied me to school on the first day. when we arrived, all of the classes were standing outside in lines. i asked somebody "is this the line for second grade?" they said yes, so i stood in the line. i thought my dad and brother left then, but i believe what they actually did was go to the playground nearby or something. when i went into the classroom, all of the desks had nametags on them already. i went around looking for my name, and couldnt find it. eventually everybody was sitting but me, and there was no desk for me. i was already nervous, and i began to panic. i started crying (shut up screw you i was 6!!!). it was all a blur with the teacher consoling me, and then my dad was there somehow, heroically, and led me to class. still crying. he brought me to the right classroom, and i continued to cry. i had a desk there, with my name on it. i sat down, and still cried a bit. i was just embarrassed at that point. thank god my dad was there, i think i might have had a total nervous breakdown. at the ripe old age of 6.
* in junior high i owned a hamster. his or her name was snickers. i dont recall the gender, so maybe i should refer to it as "it". im pretty sure it was not only the smartest, but most likely the surliest, most maniacally evil, scheming hamster to have ever lived. i had one of those plastic cages that you attach all the plastic tubes out and around it. the cage sat on my dresser, and no matter how i rearranged the tubes, the hamster always found a way to make its bathroom in the part of the tubing where either the air holes in the tube aimed downward or the connections between two tubes were not tight enough, so that it always managed to rain pee down onto my bed.
* one time, back in my senior year of high school, we managed to fit 18 people on my car - the '77 ford ltd that featured in the "spiders" video spoken of in eyes hindsight volume 10. 18 people stood or sat somewhere on the exterior of the car, and left narry a dent. they just dont make them like they used to, eh? and better yet, as many of those standing on the car stayed on the car for a time (including myself), a minivan that was parked next to it backed out and cut too tightly out of the parking spot, scraping itself across the bumper of the ltd, leaving a large gash in the passenger door in the van. and no scratch in the ltd. and nobody fell off.
* a few years back i worked at a billing office, doing menial data entry and filing work. i flipped through many a page of bills, and saw many a name. and within these reems of pages that i flipped through, filed, and from which i received many a papercut, i found what may well be the absolute best name ever bestowed upon an individual. i saw a bill for somebody named crystal funk.
wherever you are, crystal funk, thank your parents for me.
* in college, i once called the police on my roommates for a noise complaint. no, really. it was 3 am on a tuesday, and they had their huge stereo system pumping. i asked them to turn it down multiple times, and they did. only to turn it back up moments later. every time. this went on for a number of hours before i finally called. the phone conversation went like this:
me: id like to make a noise complaint. could you send an officer to shut these guys up?
dispatcher: alright. can i have the address where the noise is coming from?
me: (i gave the address).
disp: and can i please have your address?
me: (i gave the same address).
disp: ... wait, what was the address where the noise is coming from?
me: (same address again).
disp: ... and yours is?
me: (same again).
me: look, theyre my roommates, and they wont turn the radio down. you can hear the music a block away - its the same volume it was when i came home. they wont turn it down. just send a cop over to tell them to shut up - its after noise curfew anyway.
disp: ... there will be an officer there shortly.