cross eyed, vol 2
today i am interviewing dj and rodent master, and coincidentally, my brother, jakob creutzfeldt (pronounced YAH-kuhb CROYTS-feldt... pronounce that "t" at the end if youre capable...).
<0>: if you had to boil down the 18 years of youth that we shared a bedroom into exactly three words, what would they be?
jc: Music
Battles
Mess
Off to a lame start, I know, but my wit requires at least 5 words to fully come to fruition
<0>: if you had to refer to one toy that we had growing up as being essentially an avatar of your being, what would it be?
jc: Tough question. Those little gray monaural radios don't really count as toys, nor would that maroon cassette player.
I suppose the most practical answer would be Legos, since I literally could construct an avatar of myself, albeit immobile, out of them. The immobility would symbolize the fact that I am, in reality, constructed out of little blocks of Danish plastic.
<0>: true, that is an interesting genetic deformity that you have.
if you had to define your entire college experience in a sentence of pure biology jargon, what would that sentence be?
jc: Through an unfortunate instance of long-distance dispersal, this male Homo Sapiens found himself amongst a largely homogenous population approaching extinction due to the extreme effects of inbreeding depression over the course of many generations. These repeated intercrossings resulted in decreased brain activity and physical deformities, such as enlarged foreheads, diminished teeth, and greater average body mass. The population also lacked culture, which exerted a strong selective pressure against immigrants, such as our hero, who required it for survival. Oh, he also learned some stuff at school too.
<0>: a study in devolution, indeed. clearly, darwin missed in this particular college town.
what is your favorite pre-1999 song to spin (whether appropriately or not)? if you have never spun one (though i believe you have), what pre-1999 song would you like to find the chance to spin?
jc: It varies depending on my mood and the crowd. For a while it was the BSCDT Remix of "Basscadet" by Autechre. I've also been known to spin some old Orbital from time to time, specifically "Chime" and "LC1".
I'd really love to get some old KLF records. "Mu Mu! Mu Mu!"
<0>: what record owned by another dj (with whom you have done a show) would you most like to put into a skeet shoot and blast to tiny vinyl shards with a shotgun?
jc: Well, since there are entire genres of music whose records I'd like to melt down into one giant vinyl blob, this is a tough question. Instead, I'll go for one that's played by DJs whose music I otherwise like. The first song that annoys the hell out of me that comes to mind is "Picture Perfect" by Someone Else. I like a lot of his tracks and even this one wouldn't be that bad, except it has some of the most annoying vocals I've ever heard in my life, and yet I know people who think it's fantastic.
"I be a lookin' at yoooouuuuuuuuuuuuu...in a picture," said in a really, really annoying voice.
<0>: well, i will see what i can do about finding you a copy. and a 12 guage. and then i will run like hell.
if you were to create a song that by request was called "oops, the cat got into the pcp again", what would be the time signature of the song, how long would it be, what sort of sample would you first use to start (preferably other than a beat), what would you eat before and during creation, and how few hours of sleep would you require to do so?
jc: I've often found myself pondering this very question. If it were a techno song, which undoubtably it wouldn't be, it would naturally be in 4/4 time so that a DJ could mix it when he/she wanted to clear the dancefloor. However, I think it would wind up being an experimental ambient jazz oddysey that switches between arrhythmia and 7/4 time. Given that it'd be an oddysey of Homeric proportions, it would ideally be several days long, however, due to current technological restrictions, I'd have to settle for 80 minutes. Rather than start with merely a sample (how antediluvian), I'd instead fashion a helmet for both of my cats,each of which would be host to two microphones, and record for 80 minutes after making a catnip extract and spiking the cats' water bowl with it. The helmets would resemble something designed by either Prada or Dolce & Gabana, were they to branch out into animal headwear. I would only use the finest Italian leathers, because I love my kitties. Yes I do. Oh yes I do, them cute little snugly wuggly....but I digress. Once these recordings are obtained, I would eat seven Burger King (tm) Texas Double Whoppers (tm), 38 packages of Gushers (tm) brand fruit snacks, a quarter of an ounce of hallucinogenic mushrooms, three pot brownies, and a Skittle (tm), and then I'd let the magic begin. I would require as little as 18 hours of sleep to make it to the end of this magic voyage without reaching the point where it sounds like it'd be a good idea for me to try the catnip extract as well.
<0>: hell, id buy it. its like h.s. thompson said (and i paraphrase): if anythings worth doing, its worth doing right.
if there were a recipe to make a jakob creutzfeldt stew, what other ingredients would be absolutely necessary?
jc: See my response to the previous question (re: what I'd eat).
Just remember, you can't pop a goulash.
<0>: if you had to (forced at gunpoint) get a text-only tattoo somewhere on your body, where would you put it and what would it say?
jc: Actually, I've been thinking about this lately. I don't think I'd actually go through with it in reality, but I've been entertaining the idea of having the phrase "Am I Dreaming?" tattooed somewhere that's easy for me to read, such as the inside of my forearm. It would be an excellent tool for inducing lucid dreams via the MILD technique. You force yourself into a habit of reading it periodically throughout the day, which, given the phrase, would make you question (even if only momentarily) whether or not you're dreaming. Eventually this will become such a part of your day that you'll start doing it in your dreams, when finally the answer to the question will be "Yes" and, once you're good at not waking up as a result, you'll become lucid of your dreamstate and you'd be free to explore it.
<0>: i see...
moving on...
in a non-dreamlike state...
if you were a font, what font would you be (note - if you say that you would be "jakob creutzfeldt" font, or some other non-microsoft office font, i expect a link to be able to download said font)?
jc: Fonts will become obsolete when the great war results in the destruction of all modern technology. I will not align myself with some transient electronic nonsense. Instead, I'd consider myself to be some sort of fine calligraphy done with a tail feather of a prized peacock.
<0>: if you were a bottom shelf brand of alcohol, what cheap-ass booze would you be? and what would be the best drink made from you?
jc: Well, it would definitely be some brand of vodka, since I like vodka immensely. Probably about the most bottom-shelf vodka I've ever had is Vodka (tm) brand vodka. Seriously. In freshman year of college my roommate and I went to his fraternity house for a party (yee haw). There we had a taste contest between two vodka brands: one was Kamchatka (1.75L for ~$12.99) and the other had a label that merely said "Vodka" on it. Kamchatka won hands-down, and anyone who's had Kamchatka knows that it tastes like Satan's urine.
As far as the best drink made from me, it's hard to say. As Vodka (tm) brand vodka, I would befowl any other beverage I met. If one wanted to hide my taste,perhaps I would go best in something fruity, perhaps a daquiri, and with a small, paper umbrella sticking out of me. If one instead wanted to savor my demonic flavor, then perhaps a Jakob Creutzfeldt on the rocks or a Dirty Jakob Creutztini would be more fitting.
<0>: well, thats about all i have for monsieur creutzfeldt for now. all i can say is, clearly its genetic. must be. seriously, otherwise i have no explanation. though it coulda been something embedded in the panelling in our bedroom growing up...
<0>: if you had to boil down the 18 years of youth that we shared a bedroom into exactly three words, what would they be?
jc: Music
Battles
Mess
Off to a lame start, I know, but my wit requires at least 5 words to fully come to fruition
<0>: if you had to refer to one toy that we had growing up as being essentially an avatar of your being, what would it be?
jc: Tough question. Those little gray monaural radios don't really count as toys, nor would that maroon cassette player.
I suppose the most practical answer would be Legos, since I literally could construct an avatar of myself, albeit immobile, out of them. The immobility would symbolize the fact that I am, in reality, constructed out of little blocks of Danish plastic.
<0>: true, that is an interesting genetic deformity that you have.
if you had to define your entire college experience in a sentence of pure biology jargon, what would that sentence be?
jc: Through an unfortunate instance of long-distance dispersal, this male Homo Sapiens found himself amongst a largely homogenous population approaching extinction due to the extreme effects of inbreeding depression over the course of many generations. These repeated intercrossings resulted in decreased brain activity and physical deformities, such as enlarged foreheads, diminished teeth, and greater average body mass. The population also lacked culture, which exerted a strong selective pressure against immigrants, such as our hero, who required it for survival. Oh, he also learned some stuff at school too.
<0>: a study in devolution, indeed. clearly, darwin missed in this particular college town.
what is your favorite pre-1999 song to spin (whether appropriately or not)? if you have never spun one (though i believe you have), what pre-1999 song would you like to find the chance to spin?
jc: It varies depending on my mood and the crowd. For a while it was the BSCDT Remix of "Basscadet" by Autechre. I've also been known to spin some old Orbital from time to time, specifically "Chime" and "LC1".
I'd really love to get some old KLF records. "Mu Mu! Mu Mu!"
<0>: what record owned by another dj (with whom you have done a show) would you most like to put into a skeet shoot and blast to tiny vinyl shards with a shotgun?
jc: Well, since there are entire genres of music whose records I'd like to melt down into one giant vinyl blob, this is a tough question. Instead, I'll go for one that's played by DJs whose music I otherwise like. The first song that annoys the hell out of me that comes to mind is "Picture Perfect" by Someone Else. I like a lot of his tracks and even this one wouldn't be that bad, except it has some of the most annoying vocals I've ever heard in my life, and yet I know people who think it's fantastic.
"I be a lookin' at yoooouuuuuuuuuuuuu...in a picture," said in a really, really annoying voice.
<0>: well, i will see what i can do about finding you a copy. and a 12 guage. and then i will run like hell.
if you were to create a song that by request was called "oops, the cat got into the pcp again", what would be the time signature of the song, how long would it be, what sort of sample would you first use to start (preferably other than a beat), what would you eat before and during creation, and how few hours of sleep would you require to do so?
jc: I've often found myself pondering this very question. If it were a techno song, which undoubtably it wouldn't be, it would naturally be in 4/4 time so that a DJ could mix it when he/she wanted to clear the dancefloor. However, I think it would wind up being an experimental ambient jazz oddysey that switches between arrhythmia and 7/4 time. Given that it'd be an oddysey of Homeric proportions, it would ideally be several days long, however, due to current technological restrictions, I'd have to settle for 80 minutes. Rather than start with merely a sample (how antediluvian), I'd instead fashion a helmet for both of my cats,each of which would be host to two microphones, and record for 80 minutes after making a catnip extract and spiking the cats' water bowl with it. The helmets would resemble something designed by either Prada or Dolce & Gabana, were they to branch out into animal headwear. I would only use the finest Italian leathers, because I love my kitties. Yes I do. Oh yes I do, them cute little snugly wuggly....but I digress. Once these recordings are obtained, I would eat seven Burger King (tm) Texas Double Whoppers (tm), 38 packages of Gushers (tm) brand fruit snacks, a quarter of an ounce of hallucinogenic mushrooms, three pot brownies, and a Skittle (tm), and then I'd let the magic begin. I would require as little as 18 hours of sleep to make it to the end of this magic voyage without reaching the point where it sounds like it'd be a good idea for me to try the catnip extract as well.
<0>: hell, id buy it. its like h.s. thompson said (and i paraphrase): if anythings worth doing, its worth doing right.
if there were a recipe to make a jakob creutzfeldt stew, what other ingredients would be absolutely necessary?
jc: See my response to the previous question (re: what I'd eat).
Just remember, you can't pop a goulash.
<0>: if you had to (forced at gunpoint) get a text-only tattoo somewhere on your body, where would you put it and what would it say?
jc: Actually, I've been thinking about this lately. I don't think I'd actually go through with it in reality, but I've been entertaining the idea of having the phrase "Am I Dreaming?" tattooed somewhere that's easy for me to read, such as the inside of my forearm. It would be an excellent tool for inducing lucid dreams via the MILD technique. You force yourself into a habit of reading it periodically throughout the day, which, given the phrase, would make you question (even if only momentarily) whether or not you're dreaming. Eventually this will become such a part of your day that you'll start doing it in your dreams, when finally the answer to the question will be "Yes" and, once you're good at not waking up as a result, you'll become lucid of your dreamstate and you'd be free to explore it.
<0>: i see...
moving on...
in a non-dreamlike state...
if you were a font, what font would you be (note - if you say that you would be "jakob creutzfeldt" font, or some other non-microsoft office font, i expect a link to be able to download said font)?
jc: Fonts will become obsolete when the great war results in the destruction of all modern technology. I will not align myself with some transient electronic nonsense. Instead, I'd consider myself to be some sort of fine calligraphy done with a tail feather of a prized peacock.
<0>: if you were a bottom shelf brand of alcohol, what cheap-ass booze would you be? and what would be the best drink made from you?
jc: Well, it would definitely be some brand of vodka, since I like vodka immensely. Probably about the most bottom-shelf vodka I've ever had is Vodka (tm) brand vodka. Seriously. In freshman year of college my roommate and I went to his fraternity house for a party (yee haw). There we had a taste contest between two vodka brands: one was Kamchatka (1.75L for ~$12.99) and the other had a label that merely said "Vodka" on it. Kamchatka won hands-down, and anyone who's had Kamchatka knows that it tastes like Satan's urine.
As far as the best drink made from me, it's hard to say. As Vodka (tm) brand vodka, I would befowl any other beverage I met. If one wanted to hide my taste,perhaps I would go best in something fruity, perhaps a daquiri, and with a small, paper umbrella sticking out of me. If one instead wanted to savor my demonic flavor, then perhaps a Jakob Creutzfeldt on the rocks or a Dirty Jakob Creutztini would be more fitting.
<0>: well, thats about all i have for monsieur creutzfeldt for now. all i can say is, clearly its genetic. must be. seriously, otherwise i have no explanation. though it coulda been something embedded in the panelling in our bedroom growing up...
posted by The EYE at 9:51 PM
1 Comments:
...what color skittle?
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