cross eyed, vol 1

ive decided to begin yet another "column," if you will. it wont be my last, i hope, but then, that will all depend on how many new ideas i get. if you have a good idea for a style of column i should do (besides interviews, pic based posts, and in depth looks into some of the more ridiculous episodes of my life), drop a comment for me. ill consider it. in "cross eyed," i will interview various people of various importance, with the intention of sheding light on exactly what types of people this world is stuffed to the brim with.

today i am interviewing my cohort in the wonderment that is over the counter and under the table, the amazing and brilliant cold bones. hopefully it will be fantastically thought provoking, and yet touching and personable.

<0>: so cold bones, how long have you known me?

cb: I've known the EYE sort of since I was 12, and started hanging with him regular-like around the age of 15. I'm 56 years old now, so I guess that means I met you in 1920 or something. Geez, the EYE. You're freakin' old.

<0>: and strangely, neither of us look it. but we arent selling our
fountain of youth. what is your strangest memory of me?

cb: I think it was the time you tried to conduct an interview without using capital letters. Oh, and also the time you left the apostrophe out of "aren't." Lazy lazy lazy.

Seriously, though. Strangest is a tough one, but I'll be brutally honest. You know what was really weird? When you were dating that really skanky chick. She was pretty nasty, and an odd bird to boot. And you made ME ride in the back seat! What was her name? Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up, but you asked.

<0>: hey, hey, hey... you know that they want us to use capital letters and correct punctuation. but im not having it! oh, and the "made you ride in the back seat" bit... bones, you opened a door, but i wont walk through. oh, and yes, im avoiding the subject you broached. now, continuing: weve invented and/or abused a lot of obscure terminology in our day. what is your favorite, and what does it mean?

cb: Though it was not invented by you our I (or EYE), "Sniper", as it refers to a very popular brand of bum wine, is one of my favorite terms that we abuse. In fact we abuse it so much that we gave life to the bottle in the form of Snipey, our lord and savior. Long live Snipey!

<0>: please explain to the good people what the term "no tomatoes" (a classic, and one of my favorites) means, and where it came from.

cb: Though I was not involved in coining the term, I have abused/enjoyed it quite a bit.

This secret only works in a select few restuarants (Denny's for example). And it only works if you order an item that DOES NOT come with tomatoes. Let me lay out a scenario for you.

Long-haired Denny's Waiter: "What can I get you?"

Me: "I'd like a coffee please, and a Vanilla Malt. Oh, and no tomatoes with the malt."

Waiter: "Coffee, Malt, and a side of our finest reefer. Anything else?"

Me: "No, that'll do."

<0>: did it ever actually work? and if so, would you really have smoked anything from dennys?

cb: I'm leary about eating food from Denny's, so I definitely think smoking Denny's weed would be out of the question. It'd probably be laced with something nasty. Like cat urine.

<0>: would you eat a "spinach" pizza with "no tomato" sauce, sprinkled with "oregano"?

cb: As long as there wasn't any marijuana involved.

Spinach brownies sound good, though. Or maybe some Sushi Pizza, eh?

<0>: damn, weedhead. who said anything about marijuana? i was talking about pizza. lets not get carried away. i just thought that spinach white pizza with oregano would be good. lets stay on target here. im changing the subject now, so if you keep up, maybe ill see about finding some cheetos. pothead.

on a scale of 1 to 10 (1 being low), how big of a nerd are you?

cb: Speaking of cheetos, I read a good cheeto-related comic today.

Overcompensating

Isn't that weird? On a scale of 1 to 10, I'd say I rank a 7 on the nerd scale. Now before you get all uppity and accuse me of being a 8, 9, or even a 10, you should know that I would like to rank myself higher, but I feel it would be inappropriate to do so. I think the truest sign of nerd-dom is being jealous of other nerds. I am a 7, but I aspire to be a 10. One day, indeed, I will reach this goal. It is my Everest!

<0>: sounds reasonable to me. if your life had a file extenion, what would that extention be?

cb: I'm going to assume you're talking about a windows style file extension, right? Not like a hair or penis extension? If my life was a file, I would call it: awesome.bones

Not very creative, but it's appropriate. Shouldn't we be delivering a Mac equivalent?

<0>: perhaps some other time. now. what one event in your life would you deem most appropriate as a still image that somebody has labelled "PWNED!!!"? (for those who do not know what a PWNED!!! pic is, click here, and click the image a few times for some good random PWNED!!! pics. a few of the pics probably arent work-safe for viewing. note - many of these are probably photoshopped and not real. also, note - "PWNED"="OWNED") please, bones, tell us the story.

cb: Although anyone who knows me has heard this one, I'd have to go with the time I sat on a cactus. I was going to draw a sweet picture of the scenario, but I decided not to. Cause I'm lazy.

<0>: oh man, i forgot about that. now i want a PWNED!!! pic of it. if you had to define yourself as one type of animal bathed in one type of sauce, what animal and what sauce would that be? also, how much sauce?

cb: If someone held a gun to my head and forced me to comply with your asinine request, then I would admit to being a penguin covered in copious amounts of mystery sauce.

"It looks like you blew a seal."

"Oh no! That's just ice cream on my face."

<0> indeed. well, that's all i have for bones today. thank you bones for your patience and eloquence. tune in next time and see what bizarre crap i come up with next.